We took the monster today to Central to see a doctor for a preliminary evaluation regarding her current diagnosis.  The school has given us a great many run arounds for various things they want from us.  While at times I am grateful for their support and all, there are times when I would like to vent my frustration regarding their expectations (that seem to be everchanging if I am completely honest).

We met with a wonderful doctor at a facility just up the hill a bit from Central Station.  While her therapist met with Monster, she met with us to discuss what was going on.  It was quite a long discussion.  She was very thorough and listened to our grievances surrounding the situation with Monster.  She listened to our vents and concerns.  To be honest, it was the first time I felt I could really express what I was feeling through all of this.  I felt I was able to say, no I don’t agree with what they want.  She actually agreed.  The school wants Monster to have a parent funded EA.  Not only can we not afford to hire an EA, Doctor was very clear that there was no reason for her to have one.  She was not a flight risk.  She was not a behavioral issue.  She was not a danger to herself or others around her.  She felt the EA was a cop out for the  teachers.  I hate to say it, but I agreed.  I know Monster is a high needs kid educationally, but I don’t know about hiring a full time EA.

We barely had two dollar coins to rub together at the end of the month, and they wanted us to pay between $10,000 to $16,000 HKD a month.  It just wasn’t going to happen.  It was a great source of anxiety and panic for me.

Gratefully, we took her words under advisement.  I think the feeling of vindication was a huge relief.  I was working to support all of us.  So many expenses had popped up out of the woodwork that were not mentioned before agreeing to the job.  We were struggling to make it each month.  She did suggest Monster attending classes through her organization.  That sort of confused me.  She wanted us to pay for classes (and get Monster to her office in Central from New Territories each day) and continue with her enrolment in the school.  Her vision was half days in school and half days with her.  As much as I knew she may be able to help Monster, there was just no feasible way for us to buy into that plan.  The doctor was extremely gracious and tried to find options that may work, but it was all too much for me to process or plan.  At this point, I was hitting a wall emotionally, financially, mentally, all of the -ally’s.  Inside, I am a huge mess.  I know some of it shows on the outside, but I can assure you that it was much worse on the inside.

We walked away from that place just confused.  She agreed with the diagnosis by the educational psychologist.  She thought she would better be able to provide for her needs.  Honestly, most likely she would have, but for us right now, it’s just not possible.  We don’t have the money.  We don’t have the means to get her there.  I just don’t know what people want me to do at this point.

So what did we do?  We took Monster to lunch at Gordon Ramsey’s restaurant in Hong Kong.  We took her out on a mommy and daddy date to a nice place where we focused on her.  It was actually very good.  Monster charmed the server there.  She was in love with Monster by the time we left.

I know we can do better for Monster.  I know it, but I just don’t have it right now.  I don’t know which direction I’m being pulled in.  I don’t know where I am supposed to be.  I don’t know.  I feel constantly like I am failing my children.  I feel like I am failing my husband.  My wonderful husband who has given up everything to follow my dreams.  So much of the time I feel like I am drowning, and if I fail, then what is the point of all of this?  It has to get better, right?