I Can’t Believe This Plant

This plant was bought for me in about May 2019. B got it for me not long after I caught him cheating as some sort of apology. I can’t remember if it was before or after he tried to keep her. It doesn’t really matter. That was the worst day. It was a much smaller plant in a much smaller pot. It has moved between 3 different flats with me and grown into this monster.

Last year, this plant did not bloom at all. We noticed that it was growing buds a couple of weeks ago. I watched it really closely because I really didn’t want it to bloom on the 20th. That was the day I caught. B. While I am much better now, the 20th is still a hard day. It’s weird to be so focused on that day. I don’t think about it too much anymore. At least not to the damaging level I did before. I used to obsess about it. I used to feel so much anger and hate myself. Over the last year, I think I have accepted myself. I have also accepted that our marriage didn’t work. He says he loves me, but I’m not sure he really does. I’m not sure he can. I don’t know that that is his fault. It doesn’t excuse what he did, but I do think he “loves” me in the sense that he sees me as someone familiar and safe. She didn’t choose him. He didn’t have anyone else. I (and the kids) were all he had. I have made peace with that.

B and I can be around each other. He actually stayed here during the worst of the last wave of COVID to limit exposure and so he wasn’t sitting all alone in his tiny flat. I have accepted what happened for the most part. I have accepted he can’t be trusted or depended on. I have accepted that I am okay with what is going on right now, but I am also open to the future. We don’t live together, and we will never again. I will never be financially responsible for him again. I make plans for my future that don’t center around him because I know he may not always be there. I will make the choices that are best for me for now on.

Luckily, it waited a few days. It really is a gorgeous plant. I think about trimming it back, but it is a representation of this monster of a situation I found myself in. It has morphed and changed over the last 3 years. I love this plant even though it originated from such a terrible period of my life.

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