K asked the secondary department if anyone was interested in going to Disney. She said we could bring kids, but of the 4 of us who wanted to go, I was the only one with “younger” kids. J’s son is a year older than Bub.

Really, what I wanted was adult time. I am with my kids pretty much all day (though they are really boring), and I wanted out of the house. So it was an adult trip to Disney.

It ended up being 5 of us who went. Four of us were from our department and one was one of K’s friends. We got there around 11AM. J drove which was amazing. We went a few of the rides. While a few of them went on a rollercoaster, I wandered around for a bit. It was so hot that day. So sunny. I was putting on sun block like crazy, but it didn’t matter. I ended up burned.

We went to lunch at the Indian place near the Mystic Mansion (because they don’t have a haunted house).

The Disneyland here in Hong Kong isn’t terrible. It is definitely not at the calibre of the one in Florida, but I don’t think anything could be. They have their own town basically there. Still, it’s a nice little bit of home even if everything is in Cantonese and Mandarin.

We had a really good time, and I really enjoyed being with the people I was with. I really love the people I work with. They are incredible people. I am grateful for them. I am really bad at reaching out to people. I have always felt that I am a burden on others. I don’t want to bother people. I don’t want anyone to have to worry about me. Ever. It is hard to look at things now and commit to doing things with people. I have this feeling that people don’t actually like me. I know that’s not the truth. Intellectually, I know that’s crazy. I think after everything I’ve been through though there are a lot of scars. So many.

It was a strange thing to be there without the kids. I felt a little guilty for going. I have lived my life for my children. Everything was about their happiness and their experience. I thought everything I was doing was for the betterment of my family (B included). I lived my life for him and them. What I have learned in the last couple of years is that I need to stop that. I am a person all on my own. I love my children and will do anything for them. I just don’t need to not be me while I am also their mother. And we all know how my marriage ended…

I am grateful to be here in Hong Kong with this group of people. I think that whether we were here or home, this affair would have happened. While I know my family is so incredibly supportive of me and my kids, I am so grateful I was here. I have amazing people around me who have pulled me from the darkest pits of self loathing and self hate. And while I am still a work in progress, I have people around me who won’t give up. It’s more than I deserve really.

My vow this summer is to do more with the people around me. If they ask, I say yes. We’ll see…