I knew it was coming up, but I actually didn’t feel too much about it. Last year was a lot harder to deal with. I ended up going to meet some friends in Diamond Hill to go to the garden there. I was sitting on the MTR when I was looking at my cell and saw the date.
My eyes totally betrayed me. I sat on the train waiting to get to Diamond Hill, my eyes just kept tearing up. I had tears running down my face. I wasn’t crying. It was just my eyes. I was lucky I had a mask on. No one seemed to notice what was going on.
It’s a strange thing to think it’s been two years since I caught him cheating. In the beginning, I did everything I could to convince him I was the right one.
He told me in great detail every little thing that was wrong with me. Everything.
The reality is there was nothing wrong with me. It was him.
Looking back on the last few years, I can see all of the times I worshipped him. I constantly told him how much I loved him. I was always telling him how amazing he was. I told him always he was my favorite person. I believed there was nothing he couldn’t fix. I would have gone to hell and back for him.
None of that mattered.
He said he felt unloved. I was dumbfounded. How?
The reality was it wasn’t true. It was what he told himself to make his affair okay. He told himself that to excuse what he was doing to me and our family. He had convinced himself he was entitled to this affair.
It didn’t matter what I did or didn’t do. It didn’t matter. He would have done it no matter what I did.
Now, the interesting part is he wants to be back together. After all of the horrible things he said and did, he thought I should just forgive it.
My favorite thing was when he told me his counselor said he wasn’t a bad person. He was just a person who did a bad thing. He said he needs to forgive himself for what he’s done and I should too.
I told him his counselor can say that because he didn’t cheat on him. To me, he was a bad person.
He didn’t like that.
So in the two years since learning what kind of person he really is, I have done so much growing.
I know who is he. I can accept he is not someone who I can trust or give my heart to again. I am okay with having him around. I don’t hate him. I don’t bare him any ill will. I just know who he is.
We had an argument a few weeks ago about the kids. There is a situation with our youngest that requires acceptance rather than rejection. He is not handling it well. Now, I will admit that I am struggling with it, but I know what I have to do.
As with everything else with the kids, I have handled the situation all on my own. He got upset because he feels he has no say in anything with the kids.
Now, that is a fair statement. And here is why.
- When Monkey was 10, the school thought she may be autistic. I went through the whole process to try to have her evaluated. He fought it. He mocked me and my professional opinion. He threatened to leave me if I had Monkey evaluated. I didn’t. It wasn’t until Monkey was 16 that I finally had her evaluated, and surprise! She was diagnosed with autism and ADHD. He was angry with me that I had done it, but it was done. He contributed nothing to moving Monkey to another school for years 12 and 13. He didn’t attend the meetings when Monkey struggled after the separation. He didn’t attend any of her plays. He showed up for the graduation at least…
- Monster had issues before we came to Hong Kong. I suspected dyslexia. I wanted an evaluation. Again, he mocked me and fought me. We came to Hong Kong. They did an evaluation within a month of coming to Hong Kong. The results? Autism, ADHD, and significant learning disabilities. He wanted no part in that process after of the evaluation. He didn’t attend the meeting where the school said Monster had to go to another school for a special program and they couldn’t provide services at my school. He wasn’t there when I met with the teacher 3-4 times a year. He wasn’t there when the next evaluation was completed and the ed psych told me there were even more issues and Monster would probably never do what the other kids would do. He wasn’t there as I sat on the bus ride home with tears streaming down my face. He wasn’t there as I cried. He wasn’t there. He didn’t attend any meeting for Monster until after we were separated when Monster was going to secondary school. That was the only meeting he attended. I have met with the school multiple times a year and am in constant communication with the teacher. They actually stopped emailing B because he never responded.
- Then there is Bub. Again, he attended no meetings, and there were many because Bub liked to avoid everything. He didn’t attend anything with the counselor. He wasn’t involved in anything other than to tell me what I was doing wrong. He did go to the evaluation for Bub, but he complained the whole time.
So what I do and have done basically since the beginning. His argument was that I was in school with them. That hasn’t always been true. Monster went to a different school from year 5 on. Monkey went to a different school for years 12 and 13. Fair enough for Bub because he is at my school, and I work with his year level. That hasn’t always been true though. When they were in grade school, I didn’t work in their school until the last 5 years we were in the US. For the beginning of Monkey and Bub’s education, I worked in schools quite a distance from their school. I still managed it all.
Don’t get me wrong, B was present. The issue usually was, “here’s what YOU’RE doing wrong and this is how YOU should do it” instead of, “this isn’t working, this is what WE should do”. It was never what WE should do. It was always what I should do.
So that was the argument. It felt good to finally get that out. I don’t know if it actually got me anywhere. Only time will tell.
I feel like I know myself better now. I have managed to find myself. I have friends and hobbies and things I do to occupy my time. I have accepted that I will be supporting all three of our kids financially on my own. I accept that he is not in a position to provide much. I watch a lot of Judge Judy (JJ). He watches it too. There are a lot of cases about parents not paying support. They say they buy food or other things. JJ says that’s not good enough. The non custodial parent should be providing for basic needs. I always wonder what he thinks when he sees her say this. I suppose it doesn’t matter.
So we’re two years later. We have a pretty good situation where we get along pretty well. We don’t have any deep conversations really. I understand that he isn’t ever going to be who I want him to be. I am never going to look at him and think, “I’m the luckiest woman in the world” or “he is the greatest man I’ve ever met” like I was before. That won’t ever be again. I have accepted this. He is who he is, and I am who I am. It is what it is.
Categories: My Thoughts