I had a really bad night last night. I don’t know what hit me. B and I have been getting along pretty well since about Christmas. I knew it was a bad idea. I knew I wouldn’t handle it well. I convinced myself I could turn off the hurt, the anger, the betrayal.

I knew at the time I was fooling myself. I knew. I KNEW.

Still, I let him back in little by little.

I deserve to feel the way I do. I know that. I know this is of my own doing and I have no one to blame but myself. I know that.

I wish I could let it all go. I really do wish I could, and I know if I want to I probably could. I think that’s how it should go logically.

I can’t though.

I want so badly to have my marriage back. Despite all of the various issues we had (or I had), I think he and I got along really well. I loved him so much.

I constantly told him how much he meant to me. I was his biggest cheerleader. There wasn’t anything I didn’t think he could do. He was my everything. He was the only man I ever wanted for the rest of my life. He was my favorite person. He was my rock, my protector, my heart.

Even still, he was able to do what he did. He was able to lie to me. He was able to touch another woman and then come home and touch me. He was able to flawlessly tell me he was going to the computer markets when really he was going to see her. He lied.

After he was caught, I was willing to do just about anything to keep him. I gave him trust again. I believed him when he said he wanted me. I f*cking believed him.

If he had just been honest then, I don’t think we’d be here. I truly don’t. Or maybe that’s what I’m telling myself. I don’t know.

He wasn’t honest though. I’ve talked about it before. He started communicating with her again and hid it from me. He gave me full access to his phone and other devices, but he knew how to hide everything.

He also tried to defend her to me. When we went through the STD thing, he was more worried about telling her she had an STD she gave him than whether I caught it from him because he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants.

Add onto that all of his “reasons” for the affair. All of the reasons I was at fault for his affair. If It was my fault, then what do I have to do or not do for it to be my fault again? I can’t live like that. Who could?

I think what set this all off was Facebook (dumb, I know). I had an alert to update my privacy settings. I went through each of the settings, and one of them was for the people I had blocked. The top name was hers. Her face was staring back at me. Everything came crashing down around me again. Further down the list was the other woman he cheated on me with when Bub was a baby. Supposedly, he only had an emotional affair with her (and numerous other people throughout the first almost 8 years for our relationship).

We were intimate. Stupid, I know. I cried, but he didn’t notice. He went until he was satisfied. I was not. That was it. I didn’t sleep. I couldn’t. Not with him next to me.

I’m ashamed to admit this, but I tried to get into his phone. He changed his password and had taken my fingerprint off of his phone (which is fine. I had ended it). I started looking for ways to find him on the different messaging apps. I tried to find her (she blocked me ages ago). I tried to find any indication anything was going on.

Why? I know he knows how to hide his tracks. I will never trust him again. I know that.

I know what he would say, he’s at my place every night. Well, yeah when we were still together, he lived with me and came home every night and he still managed to cheat on me. Now he wouldn’t have to pay for a hotel because he has his own place. So that isn’t much of an argument.

Each of his arguments he’s completely countermanded by his own words and actions.

Then there is the physical attraction part. He was quite thorough about every little detail he didn’t like about me. Painfully.

Even now with us getting along, all I get is I look “nice”. That word. Nice. That’s the best he can do? You better believe he didn’t just tell her she looked “nice”. I’m sure she was hot and sexy and beautiful and gorgeous and every other word.

I got nice. I STILL just get nice. My hair looks nice. My clothes are nice. I look nice.

F*ck that noise.

I know I need to shut up. I brought this on myself. I know that. I thought the part that still had hope was dead. I wish it was dead. It SHOULD be dead.

I think it’s in its death throes right now.

I will not let him move back in. I know he wants to move back in. I can’t do that.

We will not move forward from here. I would be completely braindead to move forward from here. (if future me comes back here and has taken him back, remember this).