A Revelation

This past Friday, I had a difficult time getting Monster to go to school. Since the restart of school, she has been resistant to going. She says it’s too hard. Thursday morning, it was a fight to get her to go. She hadn’t gone Monday through Wednesday because of some issues going on. I did get her to go on Thursday, but on Friday morning, it was another fight. She was crying and refusing to move or get dressed. It was stressful and exhausting. I finally got her to go. She was pretty late to school, but I got her there.

So B messaged me as he does every morning to say good morning. I told him what had happened.

It was in this conversation I realized he’s always been critical of how I manage the kids. He always tells me what to do. He doesn’t ever do it himself. He will tell me I should take them for a walk. Well, he’s there, he can do it. He will tell me how I should manage the kids. He’s not here. He doesn’t have to deal with this everyday, but really he didn’t deal with it when he lived with us. I did it all. He didn’t get the kids up for school. He didn’t fight with them to go. He didn’t do any of it. He only had to take care of himself.

He loves to throw in my face that I’m the reason he doesn’t live there anymore. No, I’m not. It was all because of his choices. It drives me nuts that he can’t even accept that responsibility.

It doesn’t matter anymore.

I am done trying to co-parent with him. I thought we could still work together when it regards the kids, but I don’t think so. I don’t have to take his negativity anymore.

Everything is negative with him. His life, his job, his lack of friends, all of it is just one big “poor me”. All of the time. I try to be positive. He’s started rock climbing with people from a school he works in. I told him it was great he was doing that. I was proud of him for putting himself out there. All I get back is negativity. He says he’s doing it to make me happy. If it didn’t make me happy, he wouldn’t be doing it.

I don’t even know what to say to that.

I’m so sick of it all. I’m sick of worrying about him. I’m sick of being made to feel guilty for holding him accountable for his multiple and over an extended period of time acts of betrayal. Betrayal he had no intention of telling me about. Betrayal that would still be going on if I hadn’t have caught him.

I want him to be happy, but I can’t do anything if he doesn’t want to be happy. I can want him to be involved with the kids, but I can’t make him. I can want a lot of things, but it doesn’t make it possible. There was a period of time where I thought I could forgive him and move on from this. I even thought if he were able to become a full human being, we could talk. I don’t think that’s possible anymore. I think this is done. It needs to be done. I don’t feel the same loss I did 6 months ago. I don’t feel the same loss I felt 3 months when I ended it once and for all.

I think I am moving onto acceptance and Meh. I hope he is able to find happiness, but it’s not my job anymore. I will continue on raising my kids as I see fit. We can do what most divorced couples do, “my house, my rules”. It’s not my problem if he doesn’t have a house where he can have his own rules. I don’t need his input into my life anymore. It’s none of his business.

It’s time to move on.

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