When I caught B, it was not the first time I have caught him cheating on me. The first time I caught him was sometime not long after the birth of our son.

At the time, I thought it was the one woman. I actually found out who she was, and she was NOT a stranger to us. In fact, she was good friends with his younger sister. She had been to our home. She had told his sister that my life should have been her life, and our daughter should have been her daughter.

After hearing this, we cut her off. Or at least I thought we did…

I discovered internet conversations between the two of them talking about sex and seeing each other again. There were disparaging comments about me, telling her what a horrid wife I was. Keep in mind, I had been pregnant (and it wasn’t an easy pregnancy) and gave birth to our second child.

He still maintains he never knew it was her. I figured it out in minutes. I don’t, for one second, believe he didn’t know. He maintains he never met up with her.

To me, I thought it was just this one person. This was in 2006.

In 2010, for some reason, I discovered there were multiple people over the course of our entire relationship (8 years at that point) until I caught him. He is adamant that I knew that.

No. I didn’t.

He never really took responsibility. It was always the below from him.

2010

B: I am saying that I never went out looking for that. Just people to talk to, some times conversations went astray. It did not happen often, but it did. and I said believe it or not so thats up to you.

This was his stance. He didn’t go looking for it. It found him. Either I accept that or not. Not his problem.

Fast forward to 2018. SHE made contact with him. Apparently, he couldn’t stop it. HE wasn’t looking for it. IT just happened. He’s just a victim of circumstance, right?

We had a talk last week, and he said it again.

2020

B:  But it wouldn’t have, I wasn’t looking. I know you don’t believe shit I say but I’m going to keep saying it.

Nope, wasn’t looking to find. You already were important, I was lost. And the meds I was on didn’t help. Yeah, I don’t like repeating but I understand the need for it.

What am I supposed to do with that? What happens the next time someone contacts him? Is he just going to be the victim of circumstance again?

I mean it didn’t just happen that he went to meet her. It didn’t just happen that he let her suck his dick. It didn’t just happen that he booked hotels. It didn’t just happen that he continued to talk to her. It didn’t just happen. He made each and every one of those choices. He took every one of those steps to betray me and lie to me. He did it. It didn’t just happen.

Why doesn’t he understand this? If it’s always going to be that he didn’t look for it and can’t accept responsibility and being a fully willing participant, then how can I ever trust him again?

The answer is I can’t.

I doubt she was the only one this time around as well. I doubt very much. I don’t think he will ever admit to any more than I know about. The last time, he assumed I knew about the entire thing. That’s how it all came out. During a fight. I’m sure down the line I’ll learn more.

The difference is this time I’m not waiting around for the next time. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I should have never trusted him again.