Up to this point, we had been in some sort of weird limbo. B wanted to remain together. I was unsure if I was able to move on from this. I found that I could be around him. I could spend time with him, but I didn’t trust him. For things to be good, I had to stuff down all of my own feelings and pretend it all never happened. I didn’t like how that was making me feel.
There had been so much damage done. He said and did things that could not be undone. He has this idea that I am stuck in the past, and I need to get over it. He tells me that my issues are stuck in “then” and not focused on “now”. I tried to tell him that “now” exists as it is because of “then”. We can’t have the “now” if “then” didn’t happen.
We were in my room on Saturday night. He was talking to his grandmother. He meant to type out his uncle’s name, but it came up as cock (using something that auto predicts words you use most). He turned to me and told me what had happened. I asked him who he was talking to about his cock.
He said, “No one.”
The way he looked and the way he said it transported me back to the day I caught him. It was like a bucket of ice water being dumped over my head.
I couldn’t look at him. It was in that moment I knew I couldn’t live like this. I couldn’t live questioning stupid stuff like this because now the reality is it could mean I shouldn’t trust him.
The next morning, he told me I looked like I needed to talk. I told him what I had to say was no different than what I had been saying. It was all repeating.
We did talk…
At one point, he told me he loves me. I told him he told her he loved her too. He said he never loved her. I asked why he told her that then? He said it was infatuation.
I don’t doubt that. He got himself a little Asian bitch to suck his dick behind a rock. He didn’t seem to know her very well. I will never know for sure.
He tells me now that I do x,y, and z, now he wants to be with me. He’s happy with me. And to me, I shouldn’t be the one to be working to keep him. He should have been the one trying to convince me to stay with him.
It was at this point, I told him I couldn’t do this anymore. I told him I needed for this relationship to end. I needed to move on with my life. I told him I couldn’t worry about what he was doing anymore. I couldn’t live like that. That was not the kind of relationship I wanted to have.
Sex was so difficult. Just about every time we were intimate, I cried. I ran to the bathroom to cry, so he wouldn’t see. Every time, I was angry at myself.
As much as I loved B, I couldn’t continue. He told me I am not giving him credit for all the stuff he has done that is good. I am not looking at who he is right now, I am only looking at who he was then.
I am grateful that he is sorry for his “mistake”. And I do feel like he has benefitted from those actions.
I don’t hate him. I haven’t barred him from coming into my home. In fact, during the second wave of Covid-19, I allowed him to remain in my home for 2 months to limit his and the kids’ exposure to the virus. I also let him stay over weekends in my home.
If he had continued on as he was a year ago, he wouldn’t be stepping foot in my home. I would not be having anything to do with him.
As it stands right now, I don’t bare him any ill will. I wish him a happy life. It is going to suck when he starts dating again, but such is life. Honestly, as long as it’s not HER, I don’t care.
The reality is that we were not good together. We both were not good for each other. I don’t think we were really all that happy. I thought we were. I was willing to put up with a lot in the name of love. I have plenty of issues with him, and I know he can say the same. Neither of us is perfect.
I honestly don’t believe he wants to be with me for the right reasons. I think, in his head, he thinks this is what he wants. He refuses to give up, so I had to be the one to say, enough. The reality is though he only has the kids and me here in Hong Kong. He doesn’t want to be lonely.
I was willing to live with imperfection. I was willing to accept him as he was. I was willing to continue in a situation I probably shouldn’t just to not rock the boat.
After the last couple of years though, 6 months of that of him lying, cheating, and hiding it all from me, and the rest dealing with the aftermath, I am no longer willing to settle for the situation.
So here we are. I have determined a schedule for when he can be in my home with the kids. Once this third wave of Covid-19 is over, it will be up to him to take the kids elsewhere. For now, he sees them in my home. Some days he’s here I try to be out of the house. Some days, I am here.
I miss him terribly. I miss his touch and his smell. I miss the closeness we used to have (or I thought we had). I miss him. I will always love him. Always. He is the father of my children. I forgive him for what has done. I forgive enough that I understand it happened, and there is nothing I could have done to change it. He made his choices. I need to make mine. I may regret it. I may not.
It is what it is.