My 41st birthday. Ugh.

I spent my birthday at home. I was sick with a fever. I missed work. Luckily, there were no kids in that day.

I feel older than I did last year. I thought 40 would be harder. It wasn’t. 41 was much harder, knowing now I am going to have to start over at some point (relationship wise). B is still around every night. He is adamant that he be with the kids.

For the most part, I am okay with it. I miss him in fact. I just don’t know where this is all going. I don’t know if he really wants to be with me or he hangs around because he has no one else. I hate this feeling.

For my birthday, I didn’t go anywhere. I couldn’t obviously. B brought me a cake though. It was lychee and rose. He knows I love rose. He also gave me a gift. A stand mixer. A really nice one. Mine has died, and I love to bake. At least, I used to.

I am grateful to him for doing those things for me. It makes things so confusing though. Not long before this, he had told me he hasn’t dated because he hasn’t had time. But then he wants to work on things.

Really, I don’t know what else I need to do for him. His complaints have been addressed. I’ve lost weight. I wear makeup. I take care of myself. I was doing things he wanted sexually before the separation. What has he done to address my issues? Sure, he isn’t seeing HER anymore, but that’s more because she blocked him than him doing it at this point. He had his phone locked out so only I could access his downloads and stuff because he didn’t trust himself.

I don’t know. I don’t know why I’m even still here.