There Are Days…

I feel hopeful. I went to the counselor this weekend and talked with him to organize my thoughts. I feel like there is a way forward now. I don’t know how it will work out, but there is hope.

Marriage counseling. We did try marriage counseling almost immediately following discovery. I think it was too soon. He was still hung up on her, and I was still so very, very hurt.

I see him now, and it doesn’t hurt like it did. Before there was always this feeling that I needed to guard myself. For the last 5 months since I caught him, I felt like I needed to watch what I said or did. I don’t know if it was fair. I don’t think that matters at this point. From what I can tell about this process, it is fairly normal. I am afraid to trust him again. I want so badly to trust him again, but it’s so hard. I know he probably won’t understand why. I worry so much about how to explain myself to him. I don’t know why. Something I need to stop really.

I know he doesn’t understand. Maybe that is part of the problem for me. Why doesn’t he understand what he did utterly and completely destroyed me? Why doesn’t he understand that I am afraid? Why doesn’t he understand that him asking for another chance is asking me to take a HUGE leap of faith on him when he has burned me before?

I would do just about anything to be with him, but I don’t know if he would do the same for me. I don’t feel he truly gets it yet. Maybe he does. Maybe I am afraid to believe he does because then that means something. I don’t know what it would mean, and that scares me.

I’m so afraid. I can’t go through this again.

Tonight was good though. He came over for dinner. We went to the store. I felt more comfortable again.

I think that’s part of the issue. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m waiting for it all to collapse on me again.

How do you take that leap of faith? Should you? I don’t know. For now, I need to focus on my kids. I’m not ready.

Categories: My Thoughts

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