I went with B to get coffee. It was a ritual we had before discovery. He works on Wednesday near where I work, and we go to this Japanese coffee shop near where we lived when we first moved to Hong Kong.
We only lived there a year before we moved to Oscar by the Sea, but it is a nice area, and the mall attached to it has some really great food. While we lived there, we didn’t have the money to eat out. Hell, we couldn’t even afford Starbucks most of the time.
Now though, it had become a routine for us to go after we both got out of work to have coffee before heading home. Something we haven’t done in a long time now.
He asked me if I would go. It was Wednesday after all.
I’m not going to lie. I was curious what he had to say. It wasn’t much at first. Then he said he missed me.
I told him I don’t think he really misses me so much as what comes along with me (kids, home, companionship, etc). Not really me. Maybe that makes sense.
Now, I didn’t mean to do it, but this upset him. I wasn’t being confrontational or angry. I do believe he misses me, but I don’t know that he really misses ME.
As part of his “effort” not to betray me, he has no friends here. No support system. I won’t point out for all of his isolating himself, he still managed to betray.
All he has here is me. THAT is why he misses me.
To be honest, I do miss him. I miss the him I thought he was. I miss that feeling of safety and love. I miss what I thought I had. But you can’t miss what you didn’t really have to begin with, right?
At this point, I have no trust left. I don’t feel he’s really worked to fix it. He thinks he has. To me though, I don’t feel he has. Up to the point, I asked him to leave, he was still telling me he couldn’t promise me it wouldn’t happen again. He was still asking for an open relationship because he “needs to love multiple people”.
So I am going to let him figure it out. He needs to figure out what he really wants. I can’t do it for him anymore. I can’t take that chance. I can’t go through this again.
Categories: My Thoughts