It’s been a week since I asked B to leave for good (it has been something he was meant to do immediately after the kids left for the US, but he didn’t). He had been trying to hang on there for as long as possible. He had had his flat for over a week at this point (maybe almost two).
He was wholly against the separation. He was very vocal about that. In the beginning of this whole mess, he was less against it. He was less worried about keeping me than I was. In fact, up to the point I asked him to leave, he had suggested/threatened separation multiple times. I was desperate to keep him by my side. At the time, I really thought it was because we should be together. Now, I do think I hung on for all of the wrong reasons.
I hung on out of shame. Such intense shame that my husband, the man I loved so much and trusted with my life could betray me like that. Ashamed that I had gained so much weight. Ashamed that I had failed as a wife and mother.
I hung on out of hope. I hoped he would see his mistake. I hoped he would remember our lives together. I hoped he would want me again.
I hung on to win. I wanted to win. I wanted to be the woman he chose. I wanted to win against her. I wanted him to want to be with me and only me.
I hung on out of stubbornness. I didn’t want to let go. I didn’t want to admit I had failed. I didn’t want to admit that my family was broken. I didn’t want to admit that my husband was capable of such hurt and anguish.
I hung on for 3 months. Three months of anger, pain, torment, and self hatred.
Until I couldn’t any more. I couldn’t take the conditional love. I couldn’t take the “I’m sorry, but [insert reason it’s my fault]”. I couldn’t take the constant feelings of inadequacy. I couldn’t take the constant worrying about my looks, my makeup, my weight, what I was wearing. I couldn’t take the constant wondering if he was turned on by the other women around us as we spent time out. I couldn’t take the constant fear that something I do that I didn’t even know was wrong was going to be another reason for it to happen.
I feel like a quitter. I really do. BUT I also feel more clarity now that his voice isn’t in my head. With him there, I was constantly hyper vigilant to every little thing I did or didn’t do. I was constantly worried I was doing something wrong. I was constantly wondering who he was talking to and what he was doing. No more.
I love my husband. I will always love him. I love him like I will never love another man on this earth. I don’t think that will ever change. But who I loved no longer exists. Who he loved no longer exists. We have both irreparably changed. Our relationship is irreparably damaged. The only way forward, really I think, is to start over.
I would love to go back to when we were happy, but the truth is that happiness was a lie. It wasn’t real. It didn’t exist. At least not for the last 3 years. And definitely not for the last year. Happy spouses don’t enter into a secret relationship with another person. Not without the consent of their partner (well, then it wouldn’t be secret, right?).
I also owe it to my children to show them how to be respected. They may not be fully aware of the details of the situation, but they will know someday. I hope that this shows them that they deserve happiness and respect in their relationships as well as respect their own partners.
I would like to say that I would consider reconciliation in the future, but I won’t count on it. We are not the same people as before. We need to be able to get to know who are are independent of each other as well as get to know each other again.
I can’t hang onto false hope any longer. The only thing I know I can do is keep moving forward. If he truly and wholly wants to be with me, it is up to him. I can’t wait around for him to decide I’m good enough. It’s his turn.