The Night “I” Died

This is just something I wrote about my experience. It is quite dramatic. I apologize for that. Hopefully, you enjoy.

That night.  I will never forget that night.  The night my world ended. The night my life became a lie.  The night I died.  

That night when I saw those words on that screen, I knew.  I saw them, and everything stood still. My lungs burned, desperately seeking air.  My life flashed before my eyes. Moments of you, your smile, your laugh, your touch.  Feelings. So many feelings of love and safety and trust, but I watched as those decayed in front of me.  They decayed and crumbled into feelings of doubt, of shame, of disgust. The moments when I reached for you, and no one was there.  The moments as I sat alone. Totally and completely alone.

I saw the words and knew the person who stood before me, the person I had loved with my whole being, the person I trusted with my life was no more.  That person was not you. Maybe you never were.  

I felt my life slip away as I turned and ran, not seeing or knowing where I was even going or what I was going to do.  I felt my life slip away as I sobbed into the phone looking for any piece that would make the picture whole, for it all to make sense.  

Your text, “where are you?”  I honestly didn’t know. I wasn’t anywhere.  I wasn’t there. I was slipping away. Further and further.  My heart hurting like I have never felt hurt before. I thought it would explode.  I felt my life slip away as I returned to stare into the eyes of a stranger. You weren’t him.  You weren’t the man I loved. The man I loved could not have caused such pain.

I sat next to you through our daughter’s performance.  I felt the pain of a knife in my back, struggling to breathe, as I put a smile on my face to stand next to you as we watched our daughter present.  I felt it twist deeper as we returned to our home and our bedroom. Sitting in my safe haven, I no longer felt safe. I felt alone. I felt scared. I felt abandoned.  The knife digging deeper and deeper. My strength and faith drained from my being.  

I asked you.  You didn’t deny.  Your eyes no longer held safety and love.  Your touch no longer comforting. Your voice no longer familiar and calming.  You showed no emotion. You showed no remorse as you took my life away.

That knife plunged straight into my heart.  I sat as I bled on the bathroom floor, watching my life drain away with the tears that streamed down and would not stop.  

I died.  The me I was.  The me that felt.  The me that thought.  The me that trusted. The me that loved.  Died. You, the man I loved. The man I trusted with every bit of my soul.  You took my life and smashed it into a million tiny pieces never to be whole again.  

That person is gone.  She was buried under the lies and half truths, accusations and indifference.  She was covered under the contempt and disgust. She was incinerated in the false hope and disrespect.  

Still, I remained.  I remained in this place, watching as my life turned into something I no longer recognized.  I laid down each night next to man I no longer knew. I woke up in the morning, looking in the mirror, no longer recognizing the eyes that looked back at me.  I hugged my children and kissed them goodnight with a body that did not feel like mine. I floated above myself, watching and hoping soon I would wake up from this nightmare.  

No.  I was stuck in this hell.  I was stuck yearning for a man who did not love me.  I was stuck desperately clawing to hang on to a life that no longer existed.  It was all burning around me still smoldering falling in ashes.  

That life was over.  There was no going back.  Never again.

_________________________________________________________

Over time, I learned more and more about you, the man I thought I knew inside and out.  The man who was the father of my children. The man who never showed me his true self.  

I began to know the stranger wearing my husband’s face.  As I sat in those counseling sessions and you shredded what was left of my sense of self. As you took a beautiful night we had and turned it into a nightmare because you wanted your girlfriend back.  As you defended her for her actions against my hurt and anguish. As I sat with you in that tiny bathroom, tears running down, listening to the reasons why I was not good enough. 

I was nothing.  I was unlovable.  I was not enough. 

I became a shell.  I folded myself into the corner of my existence.  I tried to stuff myself into the mold of the woman you would want, and still you did not want me.  I silently begged for it all to end.  

But it didn’t.  It wouldn’t. And I was forced to accept this new reality.  I began exploring it, cautiously. I began to know myself, picking up the pieces as I sifted through the ashes.  I shed my old skin. I shed the old bits of myself who were still hanging on to the past. I found something amongst those ashes of my burning world.  

Strength.  Something that had escaped me for months began to flow through my veins.  The mirror had changed. I knew those eyes again. I could see a light deep within.  Around me, hands of those I trust held me up. They pulled me along. They would not allow me to give up.   

I learned.  I learned so much about myself.  I learned so many things that had been forgotten.  I learned I have value. I learned I matter. I learned I am a person.  I learned what I should no longer tolerate.  

I see you now.  It doesn’t hurt.  My heart does not ache for your touch or your smile.  I see you now. You are just someone. Someone who threw me away without a second thought.  I deserve better. I deserve love. I deserve devotion. I deserve worship.  

I deserve a partner.  

Now, as I step out into this new life, I will settle for nothing less.  

I am ready.

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