I had to go to Monster’s school to meet with her specialist teacher and classroom teacher.  After that meeting, I met with her specialist teacher and the educational psychologist regarding her placement next year and looking at her transition to secondary.

The meeting with the teachers was phenomenal.  They raved about the progress my monster has made since starting at the school.  Specialist teacher talked about the little girl she observed at PIS and the little girl she works with on a daily basis are so far from the same little girl.  She talked about her affection for Monster.  Both teachers did.  All of it was so positive.  We talked about her growth and the work that still needed to be done.  We talked about what we have learned about Monster since she started at the school.  And her classroom teacher gave advice to be passed on to Monster’s teacher next year.

It was … AWESOME.  I felt like we were getting somewhere.  I felt like we were winning.  I felt like we were making so much progress. Don’t get me wrong, I know she has a LONG way to go, but damn… I felt like my monster was going to be okay.

Then we met with the educational psychologist.  Yeah……..

I want to say I wasn’t gutted by the whole thing, but I was.  She had a draft of her report.  Looking at those numbers on that page were… shattering.  Those numbers say my monster may never be independent. Those numbers say she will forever be working so much harder than those around her.  Those numbers say she will struggle for the rest of her life.  Those numbers DON’T reflect the little girl that I know.

I see a confident, self assured, creative, adaptive, gorgeous little girl.  I see a little girl who can learn from the things around her.  She can adapt to her environment.  I see a little girl who is passionate about her art, her music, and her creative endeavors.  She is compassionate and loving and empathetic to those around her.  She wants nothing more than to have friends and to make those around her happy.

I truly believed I had come to terms with her diagnosis.  I thought I had accepted it.  The truth is I had all kinds of reasons and excuses for the first report.  We had just moved to a new country.  Monster was in a new school.  Monster was in a class of 50+ students.  Monster was dyslexic, and that was what was holding her back, etc.  In the back of my mind, I always thought the report this time would come out completely different than the first.

Nope.

It came out the same.

When you really get down to it though, it doesn’t change who she is.  With all of that, she is still an amazing little girl who loves art and loves people and animals.  She is making progress at a steady rate.  She has things she loves to do.  She will also problem solve just about anything if it has to do with her creative pursues.  She will find her way.  Love says he doesn’t worry about her at all.  He doesn’t really understand what those numbers mean or care about them.  My problem is I do understand them.  I wish I didn’t.